..STILL, I AM BLEEDING…

…What’s the sense of wishing for something when I always just wish it away??

…It’s like waiting for something to happen but in the end, you will be left hanging and expecting. Yes, I believe that the easiest way to hurt yourself is to EXPECT but I found myself doing it.

How pathetic I am… I know…

..A blood flowing with running water as tears are rushing down through my cheeks because of the deep pain in feeling caused by the cut in my hand. I am thinking what if it won’t stop bleeding… who would be blamed for this??

..As I look at the broken pieces of mirror on the ground, I found myself crying not for the fact that I am physically wounded. There’s inside me that is scourging my heart. I don’t know how… I don’t know why…

..Before, whenever I see someone crying because of this damn LOVE, I’m always asking why is it they have to enter into a relationship where they can’t able to manage it. They always end up crying… feeling all alone though friends are saying that they are always there for you… but there’s something missing within you… A missing part that can’t be filled by someone who cheers and lightens you up…

..Because of that, I am now afraid to love. I am afraid to feel what they had felt. I see how they cried hard, how misserable they are and how difficult for them to move on. But the big BUT there is that LOVE is inevitable. No matter how you control it or stop yourself from doing so, a certain feeling will surely arise. Or even you will wake up one morning seeing yourself falling in love unknowingly assuming that it is just a petty infatuation.

..Now, I am in great dilemma. I am confused with what I am feeling and I hate it. I don’t like the feeling anymore especially when you’re not sure if he is also into you. And its thougher when you thought he likes you too but being naturally sweet is one of his personalities.

..I tried to move against him and put a gap between the two of us even detachment is hard to do but they say that it will be the foolest act I ever thought. They gave me two options: to tell him about it or to keep it for sake of our friendship.

..It would be unfair for him if I’ll put a gap. Times a precious thing to waste but friends are more precious. I still think of it. Its hard for me to carry this out but maybe this is the right choice. Besides, I don’t want to waste the closeness we shared.



..Some of our friends can’t hide their thoughts and simply say what they want about us not knowing that I am tormenting with what they are doing. They know that I am not a typical girl who is a quick-tempered one but all of us has boundaries. I’m already tired of pleasing them to stop making issues about us. But they weren’t listening!

..As days pass by, I hate the manner he is showing. It is obviously seen that the way he interact with me is very much different the way I am used to. Is he the one putting the SPACE between us? What’s the reason behind it? Is he experiencing the awkwardness I felt? But why? Is he guilty of something? If not, why is he doing this? Was it easy for him to ignore this kind of arrangement all of a sudden? What about us? What will happen next?

..Lot of questions, isn’t it? I’d like to heard the answers but surely I will be troubled with it. Better not to…

..But doesn’t he think of our FRIENDSHIP? He’s not being fair to me. He’s a big damn COWARD. Sometimes, I imagine seeing myself standing before him, having a confrontation with what’s the real score between the two of us, but I still have no guts to do it. And I will never have.

..Love came along unexpectedly between us..

Why can’t it be? Why can’t it be the two of us…
Why can’t we be lovers, only friends..
You came along at the wrong place at the wrong time or was it me..

..”Why Can’t It Be?” by 3rd Avenue… Are you familiar with the song? That’s the song they intended to us. I love the song because its one of my favorites. Now, whenever I heard this song, he is the one that popped in my mind.

..Is it a one-sided feeling? Or on both parties? I know I’m not of his kind. And I am not assuming. We can’t be lovers because we are only destined to be friends as what the song tries to intend.

..I never had a commitment but I already feel broken like the mirror on the ground I mentioned previously. A broken mirror that can’t never be back on its original smooth shape. No matter you gave your best shot to glue the pieces of it, there are still lines that leave marks. Like with the wound in my hand, despite the fact that the cut will heal, it will still leaves a scar that blemishes the skin.

..Now, I am searching myself because I am in a dream. And hopefully, there’s someone who would lend a hand to wake me up in this foolishness. Someone who would help me to carry this out. Someone who would take care of my heart and not let anyone hurt me as much as I am right now. A name who would fix me, at least try to stick the broken pieces that was scattered and do his best to secure my heart no matter what happen.